me.me.ME!

i've known this about myself for a long time but i wanted to share. i would rather wait for someone than have them wait for me. i hate making people wait for me.

this came up this morning when i was walking down the hall towards the shower room and someone behind me caught my attention. it was another woman, don't know her name, who showers in the morning at work. i've seen her twice before, but this is the first time i've arrived at the same time as her, or anyone else for that matter. so we get in the shower room and we're both in front of the door leading to the shower part of the room when she asks, okay, who goes?

i'm thinking: well, i was in front of you so technically it should be me.
i say: it doesn't matter to me.

she goes in. i go and sit in the hallway. there was no point going back up to my office so i busted out my cellphone, ruby, and looked through my address book making changes where needed. after about 10 minutes she came out and i was able to go in. was i mad that i had to wait? absolutely not. i would much rather have waited those ten minutes than showered knowing she was outside pacing waiting for me to finish.

even though i know that all i have to do is lather up. some mornings i wash my hair as well but this was not one of those mornings. lather up and leave. and i would rather let her go in front of me.

and this extends to other areas of my life. another somewhat strange example is from baseball. when i was younger i wanted to pitch. i got half decent (i.e. stopped throwing the ball over the backstop at least once a game) but hated that the whole tempo of the game rode on me. how quickly it took me to throw the next pitch. there's no way in my mind it was okay for me to take my time. no way. people were waiting!

is this a sickness?

i have no more clearcut examples, nothing obvious that comes to mind. but i know there are so many things that i do just to not get in the way of other people. i go out of my way to not inconvenience other people.

this may be why i hate confrontations. i do. i hardly ever fight with people i know, and when i do it eats me up inside. it consumes me until i make it right.

also, i hate it when people get in your way because they don't know you're there. you know, the oblivious-to-the-world-around-them people. the people who cut you off and don't even see you giving them the finger (another thing i never do.. well, i did once but felt so bad about it i never did it again. for real.) or the people who let the door slam behind them. in.your.face. those people.

and sometimes i'm that oblivious person and i feel terrible! you know when you're walking in a crowd and the person/people in front of you stop dead or are looking at something and are walking incredibly slow but are still completely in your way? well, i do that sometimes. but i feel bad when i do.

the moral of this post? i think it's time for me to worry about me. i'm going to make a conscious effort to go against the grain (the grain that is me) and do things for me, not entirely without concern for others, but with not as much concern for others. i'm going to tell that woman that it's my turn to shower! i'm going to do something just for me (watch out waistline - that means double chocolate cake! a whole cake in one sitting!) i'm going to go out and spend some money on something that i want!

look at me all empowered. i'm going to come back to you in a week or a month or even a year and tell you how i failed. how this me-ness is so completely part of who i am, it's not only in my fibres, it IS my fibres, that i couldn't do it. i just couldn't do it.