i am an addict

i have an addictive personality. i haven't done much reading about this but i believe it runs in families. my family to be exact. i get stuck on things and do them lots and lots. eventually i stop and maybe that makes me not an addict at all. but really, when someone (i won't say who) merely mentions marble drop on her blog, i play until my wrist hurts for weeks at a time. soon my little go at marble drop will be over and my wrists will be shriveled up and whimpering but will eventually get better. why do i do this to myself?

marble drop surely isn't the worst thing to be addicted to. i mean, it could be worse. believe me, it could be much worse. but something mindless like marble drop (or minesweeper from way back) gives me a chance to not think and to, therefore, think. i read an article about multitasking and how to multitask and always be on the go is to sacrifice things like our short term memories and quality of life. weu enjoy things less when events are packed in like sardines. so mindless repetitive tasks, while keeping my hands busy, allow my mind to wander and come up with all sorts of interesting things. i do some of my best thinking while zoned out in front of the computer. maybe that's a kind of multitasking, i'm not sure.

my work involves a lot of multitasking and juggling multiple files at once. i'm still trying to get used to this. the hardest part i find is keeping track of all the little things going on in every file. when you're walking down the hall (going down to the caf for some food or leaving for the day) and someone stops you to ask about the file there's no way of remembering what they're talking about. some people can do it. not me.

since i started this job (in october in honest, since i moved groups then) i've found that i'm stressed. and i didn't realize this because i could tell i was stressed. apparently i don't know these things. my body has to whack me over the head, literally. i've been clenching my jaw so tight that i've been having headaches. i do it all the time now, but now that i've realized it, i do everything i can to stop it. i'm used to having mindless jobs that a trained monkey could do. maybe this is why they pay me the big bucks.

speaking of jobs though, i got an email yesterday about a job. it's a technician job at canadian food and inspection agency. i've been screened into the competition and have been asked to write the exam. it's time to talk to my boss. as a term employee (in government-speak, that means i have an end date, mine happens to be end of july 2007) my job is not guaranteed and so i've still been applying to jobs, though much less frequently than before. i don't want to have to take time off work to write this exam if they will give me a permanent job here. make sense?

i hate talking about money and contracts and jobs and any kind of topic related to those things. it's like confrontation, which i avoid, sometimes at all costs. but i figure that with all the christmas festivities coming up, me bringing up my position with my boss can happen in a more casual setting and i'll try and be very honest about it: i need some security. please give me a permanent job. how does that sound? maybe she'll whip out the papers right then and there and i'll be on my way. again, wishful thinking.

at least i'm not addicted to working. working makes me stressed while marble drop lets me consider the finer things in life. it's almost like seeing a psychic, which i've never done, but i assume it's similar, and so i will consult with marble drop tonight. marble drop will know.