Anniversary post... 3 days late

I'm three days late posting about our anniversary. Three days. I was considering mucking with the posting date but I don't want to lie. So here it is. Three days late, but better late than never.

FIVE YEARS! Five years is a long time in that when people find out I've been married for that long they ask how old I am. Hey, I got married young! But at the same time, the time has flown by. We've been together almost 8 and all 8 years have flown by. That is a good indication that we're doing something right. I'm not religious and hardly even superstitious, but maybe this was meant to be.

I've been thinking about this post for a couple of weeks and tried to come up with lists of 5 things. It was harder than I thought it would be so all I have is a list of five of my favourite things J and I have done together.

5. Before we started dating, we stayed up one night at a cottage party, talking the whole time. We were lying on a bench on the screened-in deck, enjoying every moment together. Suddenly we realized the sun was about to make its appearance. In all my wisdom, and without the effects of alcohol that had worn off hours previously, I said, "You're supposed to watch the sun rise with the person you love." How prophetic that turned out to be. (August 2001)

4. Lived apart for 3 years - J in town and me at school. It was less than a 2-hour drive and believe me, we both got to know that drive well. We spent a lot of time traveling between the two cities, a lot of time on the phone and a lot of time chatting (ICQ at the time, and thanks to that I can type pretty quickly). We got to know each other well across the distance and every time we saw each other was better than the last. Building a relationship long distance was tough but it's our relationship. (September 2001 - April 2004)

3. Getting cats. Right after we got married we bought two little cats. We picked them up on Boxing Day and our lives were changed. Even though we're down to one, I wouldn't change it for the world.

2. Getting the Mazda 3. This may be surprising, that getting a car is one of the best things we've done together but it's true. It was the first new car either of us had purchased, it was our biggest purchase together at the time, and it started a lot of things. J got very involved in the Mazda community in town and we met a lot of great people that way. He turboed the car and while doing so learned a lot. I loved that car.

1. Traveling. This isn't a one time event, this is my number 1 because of all the traveling we've done together over the years and everything we've been through because of our trips. We went to Victoria, BC three times, Costa Rica, Germany and Italy, Cuba and Mexico. We also have taken road trips to Toronto, the cottage, Niagara Falls, Montreal and Quebec City. Traveling is always an adventure. You get to see how people act when under pressure (do not make J late for anything in an airport!) and see just how cranky they get after being awake for almost 40 hours. Through everything - the good, the bad, the sometimes ugly and sometimes scary - I know there is no one I would rather travel with.

And that brings me to the end of my post. J is the person I am lucky to spend my life with. There is no one I would rather at my side during everything and anything coming my way. He is my cheerleader, my supporter, my best friend. I couldn't ask for anything more.



Through the years:

2004 - the year we got married
2005 - our first anniversary
2006 - 2 years
2007 - 3
2008 - 4

Unpleasantness

Tuesday actually ended up being my last day at work. It was a busy day as I was preparing to transfer my submissions to my coworkers and going through my office. There was some unpleasantness throughout the day but the bright part of the day was definitely the baby shower my coworkers threw for me. I was brought to the conference room on my floor where about 40 people were waiting with piles of gifts for the baby and snacks and cake and balloons. It was incredible to see how many people came. I tried to not be awkward but I'm not very good at being the center of attention. It was a great time and it really shows how lucky I am to work with such a great group of people.

Unfortunately the unpleasantness of the day picked up right after the shower and by the time I left I was pretty much done. J came to help me bring everything to the car. He was amazed at all the stuff.

Tuesday night I didn't sleep well and actually kept J and Sandy awake most of the night too. It wasn't fun and it didn't take much for J to convince me to stay home yesterday. It was obviously the best thing to do so we had an impromtu day off together and my leave started a day earlier than planned. We went out for lunch and went shopping for some house-y things. I had to do my monthly blood work, which went extremely well thanks to my best friend at the blood lab. I don't even have a bruise!

We went to my work after hours to pack up the rest of my office and then went to play volleyball at Mooney's. I made the mistake of trying to play. I'm not hurt, but it sure wasn't comfortable. It's so hard to sit and watch though so I'm not sure I should go to the beach this weekend for Hope. We shall see.

Today, my first official day of leave, has been great. I slept well last night, I took my time going through my regular internet sites and had a good breakfast with Sandy. So far I've done some things around the house and am constantly thinking of other things to do. I'm very lucky to have these two months to do what I want when I want.

As a congratulations-you're-on-leave present, J got me the first two books in the Twilight series. Such a sweet guy, but I'll tell you all about that tomorrow.

Decided

I had my leave approved yesterday meaning my last day of work is tomorrow! I'm super excited and can't wait to stay home. Months ago I was unsure what I was going to do at home for the two weeks before my due date. Now I have 8 but I'm really looking forward to it.

We went to the cottage for the first time this year this past weekend. The weather was not summery at all Saturday and I ended up bundled up inside the cottage reading most of the day. Relaxing but not what I was expecting. Sunday was much nicer so I read on the new boat. J and I went looking for turtles and saw a huge snapping turtle! I was so surprised - I didn't know snapping turtles were in the lake. Now I know there's at least one.

It was hard coming back to work yesterday and so I napped when we got home. Big mistake! I slept for 2 hours and that meant I didn't fall to sleep until after 3am last night. I have a feeling it's going to be a long day. But it's my second last day of work so who cares!

Drained

The thing about a post like that last one is that it's draining. I thought about it for weeks and cried while writing it. So thank you for reading and thank you for your comments. I blog about myself and the things I've been through - happy and sad - so that you can get to know me. It was too much to write about at the time, but having it out there feels good. And if one person going through a miscarriage gets some comfort knowing that they aren't the only one, that is more than enough for me.

The other thing that's draining is growing new life. It's draining and exhausting and emotional and even gross. I had a little freak out Tuesday night (which felt like Friday because of the stat holiday) and normally I would go for a run to clear my head. Not an option right now, so I cried it out while lying on the couch trying to watch tv. I felt better afterwards and decided I wasn't going to be an invalid. So what some things hurt, so what I'm boiling all the time and tired. I took my new outlook into the next day and got lots done. Progress!

Speaking of progress, we have a painted baby room - it's light green and looks really good. J has been refinishing a dresser and bed that will be in there and we've decided on a crib. Getting the crib requires a road trip to Toronto and we're not sure when that will happen, but it will. Things are slowly coming together.

What seems to be stalled though is my last day of work. My manager hasn't approved anything so I'm still operating like my last day is in two weeks but there's a small chance it will be next week. I have all sorts of ideas for what I will do this summer and can't wait to be off so I can decide what to pick. I definitely want to swim more regularly and maybe start walking or biking. I would like to organize some things around the house and do some other things that have never happened. I might start baking and test out some recipes that would be good for freezer meals for the fall. I might start scrapbooking again or try something completely different. Then again, I might do nothing. And that's totally okay. I want to read the Twilight books so if anyone in town has them and wouldn't mind lending them to me, let me know!

This post wouldn't be complete without a shoutout to recent birthday babies: Canada and J's mom. Happy birthday to you both!

We're off to the cottage tomorrow. I'm going to whale it up on the beach and hope no one laughs at me. Enjoy the weekend!

Reflecting

Today was my due date. Not for this pregnancy, that's not until September, but for my first one. And when you have a pregnancy that ends, all you have to hold on to are the memories you made that short time you had life inside you and the date that the doctor found using the magic wheel. Today was that date.

I had a rough time this past fall. Well, we all did. It started with seeing two lines on a home pregnancy test mid-October. I wasn't ready for those lines and I didn't believe they were there. I actually cried. And then I felt like crap. For two weeks I was emotional and ravenous. I could not get enough food into my body and I was miserable. After about a week of denial, the idea of being pregnant and having a baby sunk in and I began to accept that I was going to have to learn how to feed myself better. This is what I wanted and it was supposed to be a happy time.

I warmed up to the idea, we started getting excited and we decided on the best time to tell our family and friends (Christmas, when I hit 3 months). The first snow fall of the year was late October. The next morning our cat died. Two days later I started bleeding and two days after that I miscarried the baby I was just getting used to the idea of.

I am utterly convinced that our minds have the capacity for only so much pain. My mind was dealing with the first loss and I thought I was okay with losing the baby. I wasn't feeling like myself and I didn't like being pregnant anyways. I took the recommended time off work and J didn't go on his out-off-town training and stayed home with me. We were sad and hardly talked to each other. We wanted our lives back to where they were, knowing that wasn't going to happen.

We made it through and slowly adjusted to life with one cat and waited for my body to get back to normal. Thankfully it did so on its own and in not too long. About a month later I got sad. I was completely flat-lined, hardly eating and not wanting to leave the house. I looked into counseling because I knew there was something wrong. What I didn't know was that my mind was finally processing loss #2 and I was sad. Once I figured that out, I dealt with it and eventually felt better.

I was still more emotional than before, but J and I were happy, Sandy seemed okay and my body was my friend again. Then S&L got pregnant. That was hard, but again, we got through and I learned that I can be an angry person. I also learned that being angry is okay sometimes.

November passed and so did most of December. Christmas Day I woke up early. J was still passed out after a friendly night of vodka shots and Christmas dinner. I tested again and was happy to see those two lines. I woke him up and told him there was a present for him in the bathroom. Drunky was having none of my games so I brought him the pee stick and made him at least open his eyes to confirm what I hoped was true - we were pregnant again and I was happy.

Getting pregnant again so soon was good. I feel like the miscarriage made me lose time. I know it's not like that, but where would I be today if I hadn't miscarried? Perhaps in labour. Though if I hadn't miscarried, I wouldn't know as much about myself as I do now. I know physically and emotionally what it's like to go through one. I know better how my mind deals with stress and sadness and I know that I like to have all the information I can.

The miscarriage changed how we've been dealing with things this time. We told our parents the day we found out and have been excited over little things like nausea (a lack of morning sickness is linked to miscarriage, though this has not been proven) and getting further along than last time. I have been very guarded and only recently accepted the fact that I'm staying pregnant, which is part of the reason we waited an extra month on top of the 3 month norm to tell our friends and work. The miscarriage is the reason we chose to find out the sex of the baby. Interesting the side effects, things you would never guess would affect you, completely do.

Today is a day that I may not always remember, though this year it's meaningful in a way that I wish it wasn't. I am a changed person.

"Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."

Three quarters

That's right, I am three quarters of the way done this pregnancy. Today I hit 30 weeks out of 40, which means I'm almost 7 months along.

I'm not exactly sure how I feel about it - whether the past (almost) 7 months have gone by quickly or not. I do know that some days I feel incredibly large and want to trade in my belly for a slimmer model, but other days I feel remarkably normal and forget that I have such a protrusion for minutes on end. I say minutes because that's normally how long it takes for someone to say something about me being pregnant, for me to bump my belly into something or for something else to happen to bring me back to reality.

My reality at this point in time is sometimes sad and sometimes comical. It's sad because there are things that I would love to be doing but can't anymore. I would love to go out for a run or not feel out of breath after two flights of stairs (one if I go too fast). It's sad because I'm crying, whether it's because of something rational or irrational. And I'm not a crier. Life gets a little comical when I contemplate sewing a pocket onto the back of a t-shirt so I can sleep with a tennis ball on my back to stop myself from rolling over. I can't sew anything without bleeding, but thankfully I have J who will push me onto my side if he wakes up and sees I'm on my back. It's also funny if I'm lying on the couch with my cat and my belly literally jumps against her. She'll look at my belly with a I'm-not-amused look on her smooshed-in orange face and go back to sleep.

Also part of my reality are the "symptoms" typical of pregnancy. For me, my leg hurts and I can't walk anywhere without feeling like I strained my groin muscles. I'm gurgly and constantly hungry. I'm hot and forgetful and cry over nothing.

The biggest, most important symptom is the fact that there is actually something alive inside of me. I lie for hours staring at my naked stomach while the baby jumps around, bouncing off my internal organs, stretching this way and that. Sometimes it's a weird stretching sensation and other times it's like being tickled or punched on the inside.

I know the movement is what I'm going to miss most when this is all done, but I seriously cannot wait to lose the belly and look more like myself. I can't wait to be able to shop in pretty much whatever store I want. I can't wait to go for my first run or when the feeling returns to my right quad. I can't wait to have a beer or two. But most of all, I can't wait for my life to change. All I know for sure right now is that it will change. I don't know what life is going to be like, I don't know how I will change or how my family will change, but I'm ready.

Now I just have to get the things ready too and I'll be all set.

Premature

My last post was premature. After some "quality" time at work Friday afternoon and much debating and consulting with friends and family, I've decided to take my mat leave sooner. Nothing has been approved yet, but I'm hoping to have an end date set by the end of the week.

Now, the weekend. It wasn't a typical weekend: J went to a cottage party while I stayed in town. It worked out well since we now have two cars so J was able to stay at the cottage as short or as long as he wanted and I was able to go around town as I pleased. And did I ever!

Friday night I went shopping for a present - more on that later - and then saw my baseball girls play. The game was part of a local fundraising/memorial tournament and I saw a lot of people I hadn't seen in a lot of years. It was nice and social and I was still home early enough to convince myself I had enough steam left to watch some tv. I dragged myself to bed later than I should have, but that's typical when J's out of town.

Saturday was SM's shower. Her and LS are getting married the last weekend in August. It's a little too close to baby-time so we aren't going, but I was happy to go to her shower. Except that it was all the way across town. With lots of people I didn't know. Basically, I had a hard time getting myself there, but I had a good time once there. It was a fancy brunch, shower games and present opening. I got her some body products (pink grapefruit and sugar scent) and candy. I told her to not share with her groom-to-be, that it was all for her. After the shower, I made my way back across town but in a somewhat different direction - I went to see S&L. Turns out L and I had a good night. S slept the whole time. After that I checked in on the family cats, Whitey and Blackie, and took advantage of SJ's cable tv.

Sunday was Father's Day and my plan was to see my parents. J got home a little before I left. He stayed home to unpack the car and nap while I went and spent a few hours with my parents. That night we went to J's aunt and uncle's house for Father's Day / birthday dinner. The night was topped off with a competitive family contest of our bird and plane dollar store flyers (I can't explain it better than that). My bird was vicious and kept flying into people.

Last night, my little family was back together and happy.

Counting down

The countdown is on: 2 months left of work. This makes me incredibly happy.