anorexia understood, kinda

i use this blog as a launching page. i open it up and visit most of the links on the right every day. i told you i blogged for myself. anyways, i have to scroll down if i want to go to all my friend's blogs and i keep seeing the pictures of me with the kitten. i also see them when i log into my flickr page. and i'm skinny. it hits me every time.

i've never been a big girl. i was bigGER in first year university when the frosh-15 hit me, plus 5, but even then i wasn't big big. but i still don't consider myself all that skinny. i see all sorts of other girls and think they're smaller than me. seeing these pictures of me makes me think that maybe about half of those smaller girls are actually smaller, but that half of them must be bigger.

and then i get it. i can kinda understand the aspect of anorexia where the person thinks they're fat. we really have a skewed perspective of ourselves and i believe that it's because we are mostly looking out from ourselves and never really see our bodies the way other people do. to me, my feet always look super big but it's because i see them from the top. most people don't even notice my feet, let alone how long they are.

it also has to do with what we hear from other people. people tell me all the time that i'm skinny but i never really HEARD it until i was at my doctor's office and the admin, who is a very petite woman, said i was a "teeny thing". i'm shrek-sized compared to her. and then i realized that we both look at each other and think the other is smaller. why do we do that? how do i change how i see myself? is the media to blame or is it ingrained deep within me to see and exaggerate my flaws?

and really, i'm comfortable with my body and never get on a scale. i don't know where my perception of myself comes from but now that i understand it better, i'm going to do what i can to change it and to remind myself that it really doesn't matter. really.