Reflecting

Today was my due date. Not for this pregnancy, that's not until September, but for my first one. And when you have a pregnancy that ends, all you have to hold on to are the memories you made that short time you had life inside you and the date that the doctor found using the magic wheel. Today was that date.

I had a rough time this past fall. Well, we all did. It started with seeing two lines on a home pregnancy test mid-October. I wasn't ready for those lines and I didn't believe they were there. I actually cried. And then I felt like crap. For two weeks I was emotional and ravenous. I could not get enough food into my body and I was miserable. After about a week of denial, the idea of being pregnant and having a baby sunk in and I began to accept that I was going to have to learn how to feed myself better. This is what I wanted and it was supposed to be a happy time.

I warmed up to the idea, we started getting excited and we decided on the best time to tell our family and friends (Christmas, when I hit 3 months). The first snow fall of the year was late October. The next morning our cat died. Two days later I started bleeding and two days after that I miscarried the baby I was just getting used to the idea of.

I am utterly convinced that our minds have the capacity for only so much pain. My mind was dealing with the first loss and I thought I was okay with losing the baby. I wasn't feeling like myself and I didn't like being pregnant anyways. I took the recommended time off work and J didn't go on his out-off-town training and stayed home with me. We were sad and hardly talked to each other. We wanted our lives back to where they were, knowing that wasn't going to happen.

We made it through and slowly adjusted to life with one cat and waited for my body to get back to normal. Thankfully it did so on its own and in not too long. About a month later I got sad. I was completely flat-lined, hardly eating and not wanting to leave the house. I looked into counseling because I knew there was something wrong. What I didn't know was that my mind was finally processing loss #2 and I was sad. Once I figured that out, I dealt with it and eventually felt better.

I was still more emotional than before, but J and I were happy, Sandy seemed okay and my body was my friend again. Then S&L got pregnant. That was hard, but again, we got through and I learned that I can be an angry person. I also learned that being angry is okay sometimes.

November passed and so did most of December. Christmas Day I woke up early. J was still passed out after a friendly night of vodka shots and Christmas dinner. I tested again and was happy to see those two lines. I woke him up and told him there was a present for him in the bathroom. Drunky was having none of my games so I brought him the pee stick and made him at least open his eyes to confirm what I hoped was true - we were pregnant again and I was happy.

Getting pregnant again so soon was good. I feel like the miscarriage made me lose time. I know it's not like that, but where would I be today if I hadn't miscarried? Perhaps in labour. Though if I hadn't miscarried, I wouldn't know as much about myself as I do now. I know physically and emotionally what it's like to go through one. I know better how my mind deals with stress and sadness and I know that I like to have all the information I can.

The miscarriage changed how we've been dealing with things this time. We told our parents the day we found out and have been excited over little things like nausea (a lack of morning sickness is linked to miscarriage, though this has not been proven) and getting further along than last time. I have been very guarded and only recently accepted the fact that I'm staying pregnant, which is part of the reason we waited an extra month on top of the 3 month norm to tell our friends and work. The miscarriage is the reason we chose to find out the sex of the baby. Interesting the side effects, things you would never guess would affect you, completely do.

Today is a day that I may not always remember, though this year it's meaningful in a way that I wish it wasn't. I am a changed person.

"Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."